The last 3 weeks or so have been tough, mentally and emotionally..... being part of a family owned business during these last 8 years has been extremely draining and I've had a hard time finding motivation to get out of bed or move away from my son. He is the light of my life, and the only constant joy that gives me hope and peace when I feel like nothing but darkness and uncertainty surrounds me. Even when I am able to wake up in the mornings, sometimes I just don't want to leave him as the negative voices in my head tell me this might be ripped away from me at any point this year.
I don't want to go into detail about my life, but I've dug myself in a hole lying to my husband about our finances for the past year because I feared it would put more stress on him, possibly causing a severe panic attack or worse... a heart attack that would land him in the hospital. I've done this since he brought me into the office part... don't ask why but I've always hated being the bearer of bad news, I never have a problem telling him happy news when we're making lots of money and doing good and up on top of our bills but sometimes he has this idea that even though we're spending and spending (like last year with the new property/building he purchased for the business, and all the work he's had to put into making it look like a proper shop) while not hardly selling any of our products during severe slow times, we're still staying at a certain mark or even going above it... so then I fear that if I tell him the bad/realistic news, I'll be blamed and suffer.. so I sugar coat things.... doesn't help that I am the only one with the bank account info. For the last 6-7 years before last, it has pretty much worked itself out.... so I fell into the habit of sugar coating things, but last year we suffered horribly. Sales were slower than they've ever been, I mean in the gun business there are always slow periods during the year, usually Fall and Spring but last year things slowed to a standstill in March/April and just stayed almost dead up until now when things seem to be picking up. I keep telling myself that once things really start to pick up, I'll tell my husband the whole truth and then also give him the account info so that he can stay on top of this and not always expect me to
Anyways, enough about my uncertain life. As I said, the last 2-3 weeks have been tough. I am not sure if LBLM will happen, at least I don't think we'll be going down and staying in a cottage/condo thing as with finances and production at the shop. If I had to, the nearly 2 hour drive down there wouldn't be awful to do in the morning, though the race starts at 6:30 AM so I would have to leave at 4 AM to make sure I got down there in time to get my race packet. The drive back home, after the race is the one that worries me.... at running 26.2 miles.... having to drive 2 hours back home..... blah... :( The only good part is that Grand Rivers is on our time unlike Indy or Berryman, MO.
The other negative is being away from my little boy for pretty much half a day, and I'd have to have my mom come out to the house around 10 AM to watch him as I am sure Cameron would have to go to work that morning. I won't make any decisions yet as we're still 8 weeks away so anything can happen, hopefully for the better.
My running has suffered during the last 3 weeks, since my 18 miler (I am seeing a curse here.... last year my training was going well and nonstop until my 18 miler, then emotional ups and downs happened, an irritated overuse/stretched problem). Either it's raining like cats and dogs, or freaking cold and windy... and then there's my little boy who hasn't been as bad lately about mornings but still has his moments waking up throughout the night or waking up around the same time I need to get up. Normally that wouldn't be a problem if I could take him for a run after work, but the wind has been awful lately, or it's raining.
The week after my 18 miler week was a cutback week that ended up being 24.2 miles (I would've rather it had been above 30 but Christmas week had a lot of family get-togethers). Then the week after was supposed to have a 16 miler but I ran a 12 miler that Wednesday, and then another double (10) on Friday... I did manage to start going back to the gym on Saturday though.. but by Sunday my legs were so drained that the first 8 miles sucked so bad I had lost almost an hour of precious time. By the time my legs started to feel good, I had to get back home :( I did manage 12.6 miles and in that I managed 50 miles for the week. Last week wasn't any better, I only managed 33.6 miles :( it started off a good week, an 8 miler on Tuesday, a 10.2 miler on Wednesday, a nice 7.2 miler on Thursday, then I missed Friday(can't remember why, either Cameron or Dorian or myself), Saturday I managed 8.2 miles but then Sunday nothing. For some reason I woke up tired, I can't remember if it was raining or not but I made the excuse that I could run later that day, it didn't happen.
So now for this week, just not good at all. Tuesday started okay, a 7.2 miler, but then Wednesday morning Dorian interrupted things, and I couldn't run that evening as Cameron was hit with food poisoning and suffered horribly from Wednesday night to Thursday night. Thursday night I was able to take the dogs for a run on the trails - their first run in 3 weeks, it was muddy, icy/slippery and some of the trails were more like rivers but we managed 7 miles. Friday, nope... Dorian was dealing with painful gas from 2 AM to 5 AM but I had fallen back to sleep and missed my 6 AM alarm. I wanted to run Friday evening but Cameron's truck wouldn't start (an old diesel which hates the cold) so he had to wait on his sons, he didn't get home until 9. I chose the gym this morning over a run first, figured that if I got home and Dorian was still asleep I would head out for a 10 miler. But he was awake, so hopefully my mom can watch him later this afternoon. I am hoping for a 16 miler tomorrow but to be honest I just don't know anymore. It's becoming obvious that I should just stop signing up for races, at least big races like these in advance and just stick to half marathons until things smooth out. Unfortunately I really don't see things smoothing out at all, and I feel frantically rushed to experience an Ultra before my world falls apart.
With warmer weather, it'll be easy to sneak in extra miles with my son in the stroller (if he hasn't outgrown it by then), so maybe I'll be able to keep up my mileage or increase it for the 50 miler in September, but I am not going to get my hopes up.
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